"Come we stay" is here to stay until the necessary changes are made to the marriage institution. I will write about African marriages especially Cameroonian ones. As Mike said, many people are getting married for the wrong reasons. The wrong questions are asked by would be couples. Wrong emphasis are placed on material well being at the expense of whole heart commitment and dedication that is needed for a successful marriage.
Many couples resort to “come we stay” in most cases because of economic reasons. They feel they do not have what it takes to organize a grandiose wedding. Their reasoning being that marriage is a one in a lifetime something and deserves the best. Some even feel that the quality of the wedding will determine the success of the marriage. Some families put a lot of pressure on the couple to organize a marriage in a certain way, but are not willing to pay for what they strongly desire. The motivating factor behind all this pressure is comparison and the desire to measure up to past weddings of other family members, friends etc.
Many of our traditions are not helping the situation at all. What is the purpose of the dowry? Why do we still have to pay it? Why do we have to celebrate marriage three different times? Why do we keep on adding and not removing? It is not easy for many young Cameroonians when they think about marriage. First you have to pay a heavy dowry and organize a traditional wedding. Secondly, you organize and court wedding and lastly a church wedding. Yes the church wedding must be big and well attended. You must wear a western wedding gown, suits, drive that big car, braids maids etc. If you do not do this you are out of fashion and people will laugh at you. Who set all these rules and why must we follow them? No doubt when many people look at the long and difficult road ahead, they prefer the road of less resistant. Which in this case is "come we stay". I think those that are laying a lot of emphasis on material well being are missing a very important point. People will have affection for each other no matter their economic status. Instead of putting road blocks, we should remove them and encourage people who desire to live the rest of their lives together do it. For “come we stay” does not benefit both parties. It is very important for two people who love each other to get marry before living together as husband and wife. Emphasis should not be on the nature of the ceremony, but on the purpose.
For those in come with stay relationships, you do not need to have a lot of money to officiate your relationship. Forget about other people's expectations and cut your coat according to your material and not even according to your size.
I got married as a student in Cameroon and today I am glad we did not get into debt to get marry. We are a happy and successful couple despite the fact that our wedding was not up to the "standard". There is more to marriage then all the pomp of the wedding itself. For it is written, “he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. It does not say he who is having a lot of stuff, or he who can organize a big wedding feast etc. It says he who finds.
For those who can afford, big lavish weddings do it for you have the resources. For those who can not afford, do not borrow even a dime to organize a wedding. If you borrow to feed people you are not being wise.
If you have any questions address them to me.
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Marriage in Cameroon
Today the search for glamour and high profile husbands has destroyed the institution of marriage in Cameroon. Girls always think of a dream world thereby detaching themselves from their own reality. In Cameroon, especially in Douala where about 80.5% of the population lives in poverty, only very few people get married
47.5%, 31.7%, 5%, 5.4% and 4% of the population of Douala are married, single, divorcees, engaged, cohabiting. Those who are married are those having prestigious and high salary jobs. Most single people work in the informal and private sectors are students and unemployed. The more prestigious ones job is, the higher the likelihood that one will be married and the reverse will mean that one is single and is cohabiting.
Those who are affected are those <30-40 years old because they are seriously crushed by poverty.48% and 50% of those between 30-40years earn about 24,000-75,000frs and 75,000frs -125,000frs respectively which is far beyond the poverty-line of 177,000frs.Only 8%of those below 30 earn above the poverty line.
This is an indication that marriage is more of interest than sacrifice. Very few people will find a wife that will accept them with little or no interest. Your wife accepted and supported you up to what you are today. I hope that will be a lesson to our self-centred sisters. It is difficult to find a lady who will like to marry someone without knowing clearly her interest. whenever there is money, one will be the best husband on earth and they will often say: “what will I have been without you” If in the course of their cohabitation, suffering strikes, she will make life miserable to the man and it is very common to hear utterances such as “You dirty man. What have you ever done for me? It is better to live in my father’s compound than to suffer here. When I took the decision to marry you I thought life would be better but I didn’t know that I was a fool”. “This marriage you want to contract with me will not work because we are not compatible”. Must compatibility be determined by money? That is the major reason why people especially men want to have a good job before engaging in marriage. Very few women are willing to work together with their spouse in order to build together. They want to marry men only when the storm is over.
Young girls will prefer to go out with people who are older than their parents not because they love them but because they are sure that their daily bread and other needs will be guaranteed. You certainly know of the cases of mboma at our state universities. Today our sisters want to get married to albinos (whites) at all cost: they send them pictures in which they are stake naked. This is because they think they will have a better life if they are married to them. When they fail in their attempt to get what they want, they then desperately look for someone to hang on. However, there are a few women who are selfless and are willing to support whatever situation to make their marriage work. This category of women, who are difficult to come by, must be encouraged.
For marriage to be successful in Cameroon, we need a change of mentality: money can provide everything we need for our comfort but marriage is much more than that. Love should be the core of marriages and not money because of the vicissitude of life It needs people who understand each other and are ready to work together to achieve a common goal. Since the youth of our country is entrenched in poverty, very few engaged themselves in marriage. Less than four out of every ten young people in their thirties are married.
BY
Nanche Billa Robert
Douala Cameroon
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